For example, you can’t fault men for wanting to get laid anymore than you can fault a dog for wanting to spend hours and hours licking his own nuts. It’s just the way things are programmed. Nobody got consulted about it, that’s simply the way it is. And you can’t blame men for thinking incessantly about sex when their very genetic composition demands they spray their manhood as often as possible. As Robin Williams once pointed out, God gave men 2 heads, but only enough blood to use one at a time. So be it.

But there’s a breed of choad out there that abuses this excuse, a breed of smooth talkin’, soulful lookin’, romanti-choads who are almost entirely responsible for inspiring all the bad man-hating emo-chick music produced in the 1990’s. You know who they are. You’ve seen them in action. They’ve always got a woman on their arm, and it’s never the one they had with them the day before. Welcome to the land of the Player Choads, where the men are gods and the women are disposable.

1. Men enjoy women. Choads enjoy using women.

While most guys spend their Friday and Saturday nights chasing ladies, only choads do so with malignant purposes. The Player Choad’s intention isn’t so much to find a lady he likes, but rather to pump’n dump as many ladies as he can. It’s all about the numbers for the Player Choad. More chicks equals more manliness, or so they seem to believe.

2. Men want women. Choads want to catch women.

Since we understand that men are naturally inclined toward the chase, we have to cut them a little slack. But Player Choads make the chase more important than the lady. Most dudes are psyched when they finally catch a hottie. The Player Choad, once he’s caught the fish, sometimes doesn’t even get the condom off before throwing it back.

3. Men work to catch women. Choads work to catch women off guard.

Herein lies the secret of the Player Choad, so pay attention: Player choads do what regular dudes don’t. Think about some of the most common complaints chicks have about guys.

Here’s where the Player Choad makes his move. Every woman in the world, no matter who she is or where she comes from, wants to believe that she’s not just unique and special, but that someone recognizes what it is about her that makes her special. Player choads lock in on this target like a heat seeking missile. Once they’ve found that particular sweet spot, the gal will stick to him like Velcro thinking she’s found the man of her dreams. And then it’s only a question of time (usually just hours) before she’s mentally picking out names for their future children.

Of course there’s far more to it than just the way he stares intensely into her eyes and tells her how he sees her, but that’s what’s at the heart of it. And while men sometimes do this and mean it, Player Choads do this to satisfy their egotistical needs. Hair, wardrobe, and accessories factor into their chick-bagging equation as well of course. You’ll never see a Player Choad who’s afraid to be looked at. The style will vary, depending on what the guy is interested in, but he’ll never blend into any crowd too well. Part of the allure of the Player Choad is that he’s unique, confident, and answerable to no one. And you can bank on every one of their style choices, no matter how casually it seems to have been made, being carefully considered. The bandana, the watch, the wrist cuff, the shades, the shoes (even if they’re just cheapie flip flops,) the jewelry, every selection is specifically chosen. Less care goes into the construction of jet engines than a Player Choad’s ensemble.

So far you may think there doesn’t seem to be much difference between a Player Choad and just another skirt chasing guy. Let me break it down for you: If there’s a long list of bitter women in your past, you’re probably a Player Choad. If your friends constantly praise you for your tally of chicks, you’re probably a Player Choad. If you pride yourself on being God’s gift to women, you’re probably a Player Choad. If seducing women isn’t merely what you do, but who you are, you’re a Player Choad.