He never even has to leave the comfort of his mom’s basement if he doesn’t want to—he can annoy via binary code in his PJs. But if you’re in the mood to see a choad in his natural habitat, you needn’t go far. Just find the nearest trendy bar. Wherever there is potential for women to be congregated for a good time, choads will inevitably follow.

Most choads are easily identifiable by style and wardrobe, and those qualities will tell you a great deal about their personality. But there are other more subtle clues to their character that a trained eye can easily pick out, even in a dark and crowded bar. When you first eyeball that choad, take a note of what he’s drinking. A man’s choice of beverage speaks volumes about his persona, and about what sort of game he’s spewing at the ladies.

The first one you generally see is the Domestic Yellow Beer drinker. Think about it… It’s cheap, generic, uninteresting. The same can be said for its owner. If you’re drinking American yellow beer and you’re not near a large body of water in a bathing suit, you probably have about as much to offer as a piss warm Budweiser.

With imported beer it becomes a little trickier. There’s plenty of good brew in the world, but if you’re already cruising the room with a Choad Swagger, there’s a good chance that beer of yours is just something you picked because you think it’ll make you look more sophisticated than your domestic swill brothers. Unfortunately, spending that extra buck on your bottle isn’t going to make up for the fact that you can’t spell the name of the country it’s from.

Then there’s the spit shined polish of the wine drinking choad. He’s banking on that pretentious glass making him look like the jet-setter he wishes he was. He’ll probably be standing off in a corner, where there’s less chance of some peon bumping his arm and spilling his drink, and from that vantage point he has clear view of the entire room… a perfect place to scan the crowd for tasty choad bait. But if he really knew anything about wine, he wouldn’t be drinking it at a place that only has 2 or 3 different types available. Most clubs and bars aren’t known for their wine selection, but they ARE known for being chock full of pretentious and choadtastic posers.

Vodka & Red Bull Choad

Moving onto liquor, have a look for the well vodka and Red Bull choad. It won’t be difficult to find one; they’re absolutely everywhere. The vodka cuts down on the syrupy sweetness of the energy mixer, or maybe the energy mixer softens the flavor of cheap vodka, I don’t know… either way, it’s a disgusting drink whose popularity comes from the fact that you can catch a buzz from it and not get as sloppy drunk as if you were drinking a real cocktail. Only those with the most uneducated and undiscriminating palates in the world can stomach this vile concoction… what does that say about the man sucking it down?

Then there’s the next step up—drinking premium vodka and Red Bull. All that says is you’re willing to mix high quality spirits into that same shitty mixer. In some cultures that’s the definition of alcohol abuse. You should be eliminated from the gene pool. Go play in traffic.

If Jagermeister is your shot of choice, you’re hoping that the show of drinking such nasty sludge will make you appear more of a man, since that pathetic 35% alcohol content isn’t going to impress anyone. You should have gone with Rumplemintz or Goldschlager instead—same thick slime, but 100 proof and 110 proof respectively, and at least you walk away with minty fresh or cinnamon breath afterwards. And if you see someone drinking a Jager bomb (Jager with Red Bull) just do the world a favor and go slap them for being out in public without supervision.

Once you get past these more obvious choads however, it gets a little more difficult. A man willing to drink whiskey, gin, or tequila is a little more versed in the pleasures of alcohol, and unmistakably more capable of handling his liquor. That’s going to mean he’s smart enough to hide some of his choadier qualities, but make no mistake, the choad beneath the surface can be even more loathsome than the blatant ones who make public asses of themselves. Anything consumed “on the rocks” or “straight up” means the drinker isn’t kidding around. He’s arrogant, he’s cocky, and he’s probably pretty used to getting his way. He’s also got a talent for smooth talking. Lock up your little sisters guys, this one’s on the hunt for virgins. Or sorority girls. Whichever shows up first.

Finally, there’s the pain-in-the-ass drink choad. The name pretty much says it all. If you have to explain it to the bartender 3 times before he or she gets it right, or if it has more than 7 ingredients, or if it requires muddling or fire or layering something 2 or more times, you’re a weenie. There’s no need to worry too much about this particular choad. He’ll likely spend the entire night trying to talk to women who are desperately out of his league, and getting slapped down like an unruly stepchild.

There are a handful of other alcoholic drinks I could mention, such as wine coolers, test tube shooters, or even Jell-O shots, but we’ve covered the basics. Remember, these are only guidelines. Choads come in many shapes and sizes, and may not necessarily subscribe to generalizations. .