When it comes to proving manhood, saving face, and asserting alpha-status, some men just don’t know when to quit. You gotta love choads for their total willingness to be a dumbass in public, but sometimes it’s not so much hilariously tragic as it is just TRAGIC.

Take the other night, for example. I’m strolling down a sidewalk on my way to a bar when I come upon a miserable sight. A huge crowd has gathered around 5 guys in thug-a-licious gear and bling. The 5 are taking turns kicking the crap out of some poor kid who’s laying in the fetal position against the curb with his arms up over his head. The girls in the group are yelling at their boyfriends to stop being such assholes. All the guys who aren’t taking shots at the poor guy are standing there staring with blank expressions, being about as useful as bathroom mold. The punching bag hasn’t moved in several moments, and I’m seriously starting to consider running into the middle of the mess to see if he’s dead when the assailants finally tire and back off, retreating with shouts of “yeah bitch! How’d you like that?” toward the pile of tenderized meat still sprawled on the ground.

5 on 1? Yeah, that’s a real victory. You’re all heroes for winning THAT fight. Maybe next time you can pick a fight with some senior citizens or amputees or chemo patients or something—how manly would THAT be? Or better yet, you could all just stand in line next to one another and pull out your dicks and measure them THAT way. Saves you the energy of having to throw someone an ass beating, you won’t sweat all over those nice baggy drawers you’re wearing, and you don’t run the risk of getting tossed out of whatever sticky floored all ages club you’re cruising honeys at. Works for everyone that way.

Besides, you never know which way a fight is going to go when you start one. Not everyone is the softy you might expect them to be. Take this guy, for example. Think the crowd of punks that started this mess anticipated his catlike reflexes and superhero stamina? It’s like watching one of the Bourne films—

Little fucking Choadz n the Hood.