A sweet and charming girl was so overcome by the choadiness of the world that she went into hiding and didn’t see or speak to anyone for a month.
The End.

Okay, not really. Wondering where I’ve been? I wish I had an interesting story for you. I believe the official term for it would be “soul searching,” but if I’m honest with myself, it was really just a bunch of hiding under the covers and an unwillingness to deal with the seemingly unending string of assholes who make daily life so damned annoying. In other words—the choads got me down.

To hell with that. I’m back bitches. And to celebrate my semi-triumphant return to internet pontificating, I’m bringing you:

Gird your loins kiddies:

10. The drunk friend who insists on calling me four times a night between 3am and 5am to tell me how he’s drunk, lonely, and hasn’t had sex since 2002.

9. The annoying prat from my cable company who keeps calling trying to sell me cable and phone line packages I have no use for. Nothing pisses me of quite like being awakened from my afternoon nap to discuss television with some Mike Tyson sounding motherfucker.

8.The pedicab hippy who rode over my foot last weekend. When this swelling goes down, it’s your dread-headed ass buddy.

7.The frat-tastic Abercrombie whore who demanded that I pay him back for all the drinks he bought me when he realized I wasn’t going home with him. Sorry junior, learn the hard way.

6. Barack Obama’s campaign fundraisers. One more unsolicited phone call, and I may start firebombing your offices.

5.James Franco, for all the shitty movies he’s done. And because of that ridiculous face he makes.

4. My neighbor, who just bought a brand new Cadillac Escalade and takes up 2 parking spots with it.

3. The long haired-yet-balding dude in the speedo at my pool. Just because you don’t have a beer gut like most men your age doesn’t mean you need to be trouncing around in a thong.

2. The hoards of comic book geeks who loudly insist that Dark Knight is the best film since Casablanca. If boring protagonists and 15 false endings are what get you off, keep it to yourself.

And finally…

1. Timothy P. Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, for endorsing a boycott of the upcoming movie Tropic Thunder. He’s claiming the movie is filled with “hate speech” because of its use of the word retard. Now, I’m not saying it’s a nice thing to make fun of the mentally handicapped, but to quote a Dream Works spokesman, this movie is “an R-rated comedy that satirizes Hollywood and its excesses and makes its point by featuring inappropriate and over-the-top characters in ridiculous situations.” This is what Hollywood does Mr. Shriver. It celebrates the inappropriate. And if you think that mental deficiency is the only sensitive topic being mocked in films, I say you haven’t been to the movies since they added sound. Find something else to get your panties in a bunch about.