If you haven’t, go take a quick look. If you’re reading this, chances are what you’re looking at when you peek out your door is a nice little chunk of Middle America. There are probably some paved roads, some houses, maybe a high rise or two, some trees even. I betcha the view from your window is really nice actually, a picture of daily American life, with cars driving past, a guy on a bicycle, you know, something nice and civilized. If that’s the view out your window, I want you to read this next statement very carefully, okay?

There is no reason for you to own a Hummer.

I nearly got run off the road this morning by some middle aged woman who was driving one of those H2s and talking on her phone at the same time. It’s such a cliché I know, but middle age suburban women truly can’t drive for shit. But instead of revoking their driving privileges, we’re giving them bigger and faster vehicles to ride around in. And parking in crowded areas isn’t difficult enough without those beastly rides taking up 3 spots? Whoever decided that the Hummer needed to be modified to suit the needs of the average suburbanite CLEARLY never lived in a ‘burb.

Anyone know where the name Hummer even came from? It’s a play on the abbreviation HMMWV, which stands for High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle. Just a few of the things the Humvee was originally designed to serve as:

In short, they’re designed to withstand COMBAT, not rush hour. Now I ask you, why did this monster of a military machine need to be adapted for the average choad driving to and from an office building every day on carefully maintained roads? Is he anticipating having to ford a river in the case of unexpected flooding? Is he nervous about incoming fire? Or does he really just want to show everyone that he’s got enough cash hemorrhaging in his wallet and little enough common sense to buy a $50,000+ vehicle that gets roughly 9 miles to the gallon?

According to a J.D. Power and Associates automotive Survey, Hummers receive more complaints than any other line of cars both foreign and domestic. Now tell me, why do you feel compelled to own one? I have my own theories: