I can’t get a table at my favorite coffee shop anymore. Ever.
And it’s not because I got blacklisted or anything. It just happens that no matter what time of day I go there, all the tables are already taken with people working on their laptops. One person sits at a table for four, sets up his pretty white Mac, plugs his headphones in, and goes to pounding his keyboard for hours and hours. They sit there completely oblivious, vaguely focused, ignoring the masses of people around them all trying to balance cups of coffee and plates of pastries while they wait for someone to finish their meal, or their screenplay, and vacate a table.

This has always annoyed me. But lately it’s gotten to a point where I’m no longer feeling inclined to be polite about it. My reasoning is as follows:

1. You’re taking up useful space that is specifically designated for restaurant patrons. Paying for that $3 cup of coffee doesn’t entitle you to 3 hours at a table that people need to put actual food on.

2. You’re engaging in a solitary activity. Do people need to SEE you writing in order for you to be considered a writer? In that case, go to a library. Real writers have been doing it for years.

3. As if writing weren’t already an isolating occupation, half of you plug your head into earphones to listen to whatever emo-garbage you downloaded onto your computer last night. So you’re ignoring the people around you anyway. Folks, a restaurant is a social venue. If you’re going to pointedly block out your surroundings, how ‘bout you ignore the walls of your studio apartment and let the rest of us enjoy our lunch and a little conversation.

4. No, you don’t desperately need to be at a coffee house for the caffeine supply. Any real writer owns his own espresso machine. Besides, you’re drinking a latte, which is basically just chocolate milk for adults.

I thought the days of angsty coffee house brooding got left back in the 90’s along with flannel shirts and black lipliner. Apparently it just morphed into a new generation—whiny weenies with hard drives instead of journals.

So just out of curiosity, last time I couldn’t get a table, I did a little tour of the building to see what people were doing on their computers. Of the 8 (yeah, 8) different computers I peeked at, 2 were working on Word documents, 1 was opened to a spreadsheet, and the other 5 were surfing the goddamn Internet. IMDB.com, Facebook, and Myspace were all represented.

Really people, go be a cliché somewhere else. I’d like to enjoy my biscotti while sitting down.