It’s pretty amazing how much variety there is in the choad world. Anyway, I love to travel, but the actual getting there sucks ballz, particularly if you have to fly to get where you’re going.

If you’re Donald Trump or Bill Gates, I’m sure flying is a blast. The food is probably decent, the plane is undoubtedly spacious and comfy, and there’s very likely an adorable 19-year-old model attending to your beverage and blanket needs. But if you’re like the rest of us, a good travel day for you is getting upgraded to business class on Southwest because they’ve overbooked your flight. You’re schlepping through airports carrying your own luggage, racing to make connections, standing in line after line only to be told about the delays holding up your flight. Oh it’s fun stuff, and I’ve been doing a lot of it lately, so I’m intimately familiar with the hassles of air travel.

In the interest of public decency, I’m offering up this brief tutorial on how NOT to be a choad when you’re traveling via plane. These are just guidelines of course, but I promise you, the people around you will be incredibly grateful if you follow some simple rules:

1. If you’re sick, wear a doctor’s mask. The dude next to me recently was hacking up a storm and spreading his viral nastiness all over the place. It may not look cool, but you have no idea how appreciative your plane neighbors will be when they get home and don’t come down with the flu 2 days later.

2. I know you’re a big dude, and those tiny little chairs aren’t very accommodating for a man your size, but do everyone a favor and try not to spill over too much into the seat next to you. I’m a slight sized female, but dammit I paid for my whole seat, and I’d like all of it for myself.

3. If your neighbor is wearing headphones, don’t try making small talk. That’s the universal signal for “fuck off I’m not interested.” This goes double if they’re wearing headphones and a sleep mask over their eyes. (Sounds obvious right? Some people don’t actually understand this.)

4. Don’t give anyone on a plane a sales pitch. They don’t want to hear it. I don’t care how cool your think your product / company / idea is, the poor sucker sitting next to you isn’t interested, they aren’t going to email you about it next week, and they don’t care what your plan is. If they pull out headphones while you’re doing your shtick, shut your mouth immediately.

5. If you get up mid-flight for any reason, don’t use the chair in front of you to help yourself up. Lean on the back of your own chair. You’re probably shaking the hell out of someone trying to catch a quick nap.

6. Always have gum or mints with you when you travel. Use them. Frequently. You have no idea how pungent bad breath can be in confined spaces like the cabin of a 737.

7. If you plan on catching up on sleep while you fly, and you happen to know you snore like a chain saw, bring along some of those nasal strips to assist your breathing. If anyone’s trying to get work done around you, that snoring is about as helpful as someone constantly kicking the back of their chair.

8. Don’t read over anyone’s shoulder, stare at anyone’s computer screen, or look at anyone’s iPod while they’re using it. It’s creepy. Really creepy.

9. Don’t hit on the girl next to you. You’re not in a bar, even if you are drinking a $5 shot of Jack Daniels out of that little plastic cup.

10. Don’t make snide remarks about crying babies or restless children. I promise you, nobody feels worse about a kid making a racket than the kid’s parents. It’s not the baby’s fault; he has no way of articulating his feelings other than to scream. And keeping a child quiet and still in a confined space for long periods of time is damn near impossible. Children under the age of 8 are not meant to sit motionless for hours on end.