Random Choad #9: Pretending to be foreign might get me laid!

Walking past a bar one night recently, my buddy and I ran into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while. We stopped to say hello, and were introduced to a handful of other people all standing around outside either smoking or chatting on their way to somewhere else. At one point someone introduced me to “Miguel,” a reasonably attractive dude who seemed to speak no English, only Spanish. I offered a greeting in Spanish, made my introduction in Spanish, and then switched back to English to inquire as to how Miguel was connected to the group.

I stood there for a few more minutes listening to the conversation that was happening between Miguel and some of the others. Was it just me, or was his Spanish pretty feeble for a guy who claims to speak only his native tongue? I jumped back into the Spanish conversation and asked him a few more questions. His responses were unintelligible. Was that because my own understanding of the language is pitiful, or because Miguel here was bullshitting us? After he spouted off for a few minutes about how Antonio Banderas was his first cousin, several people began asking him how long he’d lived in the States. He responded that he’d lived here for 5 years.

How does one live in the U.S. for 5 years and not pick up a word of English? After that, I pretty much decided he was feigning the language barrier for some purpose of his own, and regardless of what that was, I was done with the conversation. I walked away after another minute to find more interesting company. A few minutes later, my buddy followed.

“So, as soon as you walked away from ol’ Miguel, so did everyone else,” he said, throwing a nod to the bartender.

“Doesn’t surprise me. I’m fairly certain that guy was jerking everyone around with that whole Spanish nonsense.”

“He was. As soon as everyone was gone, he burst out laughing and screams ‘Oh man, I totally HAD you guys! I can’t BELIEVE you were all so easy to dupe!’”

“Are you kidding me? No one in that group believed him, and several people called him out on it!”

“And that’s exactly what I pointed out as I walked away leaving him standing there by himself on a street corner.”

Wanna pull a fast one for the sake of a giggle, fine. But this is Austin. We’re one of the biggest Hispanic markets in the country, and those who didn’t grow up speaking Spanish learn pretty quickly that it’s a handy thing to be bilingual here. Guys, take a note.