We at the Network know better than anyone how calling out a choad can be tricky work.
Knowing what kind of choad you’re dealing with is key. Can’t figure out what kind of choad you’ve got on your hands?
Artist Choad
References both his own work and the work of other artists to make himself sound worldly and interesting. May or may not be well versed in art history or talented in any way, but will drop art related buzzwords into every conversation and wear eccentric wardrobe to distinguish himself from the savage and uneducated masses.
Bartender/Bouncer Choad
Is currently, or was at one time, employed in the bar industry. Frequently references his “connections” in the business, brags about his ability to mix a cocktail, and projects an unattainable quality that seduces choad bait in droves.
Beach Choad
Hangs out near large bodies of water. Is often seen shirtless, holding a light beer can and telling women about his speed boat. Is always tan, even in winter…
Biker Choad
Uses motorcycle as integral part of personal identity. At 25 or 55, on American classics or speedy imports, they flaunt their bike as a source of pride and evidence of their rebellious mystique.
Blue Collar Choad
Believes his daily drudgery makes him some kind of folk hero. Has a sense of entitlement and superiority because he “works” for a living. Ultimately hates his life but directs his anger at women, queers, and “college types”
Celebrity Choad *
Any choad receiving spotlight attention for some nonspecific reason. He’s shameless in his self worship, and likely has little to no real talent, but has found a foothold into public life and is exploiting it to its fullest extent. Examples: Kevin Federline, Simon Cowell, Dane Cook.
Club Choad: a.k.a. “Downtown Choad.”
Usually seen at trendy and crowded nightclubs. Never talks to anyone for more than 45 seconds because he’s too busy trying to work the room. Wears flashy name brand clothing, is always on his cell phone, and knows every door guy in town by first name and preferred cocktail.
Corporate Choad *
Has position of great wealth and authority in business realm, but no regard for the people he’s screwed along the way to achieve his success. Examples: Donald Trump, Ted Turner, every executive at Enron.
Desperate Choad
Fears being alone so much he’ll annoy people just so he can be seen interacting with someone. Social ineptitude is so severe that he often gets into fights without meaning to. Has no understanding of the rules of social engagement. Is unmistakably a virgin, unless his friends have taken pity on him at some point and bought him a hooker.
Emo Choad
Feigns misery and detached ennui to make himself seem interesting. Wears tight jeans, canvas shoes, and a shaggy hairstyle that despite being carefully styled is meant to look nonchalant. Distant relative of the goth choad, but with less character and worse taste in music.
Euro Choad
Charms people with his foreign accent, slightly unfamiliar style of dress, and stories of growing up in a small, provincial countryside, but secretly makes jokes about how fat and stupid American men are, and how fast and easy American women are.
Fictional Choad *
Any character in film, music, or literature, or other creative medium who embodies extreme arrogance, self importance, or inability to socialize properly with others. Examples: White Goodman (Dodgeball
Flaming Choad
He’s here, he’s queer, and he won’t let anyone for 10 miles forget it. Drinks pink cocktails, drags protesting people onto dance floors, and truly believes he’s the hottest piece of ass since George Michael.
Foreign Choad
Comes to the United States to tour and visit, but doesn’t bother to acknowledge local tipping practices. Mutters in native tongue about how arrogant Americans are, but smiles warmly at the salesperson selling him his Reeboks.
Gangster Choad
Loves thug life. Wears bling and has sweet rims on his ride. Uses unintelligible slang, has a collection of bitches, and owns a pit bull.
Geek Choad
Has intimate understanding of all things technological (especially computer related) and sees himself as superior to those who could not survive in techno-land without the assistance of people like him. Will complain about having to deal with idiots while doing tech support, but secretly loves the power that comes with doing what only he can.
Generic Choad
Without the obnoxious ego, this choad is completely forgettable. Wears jeans, t-shirts, ball caps, and never has anything even remotely interesting to say. Drinks light beer and hangs out in dive bars. Identifiable by the vacant expression in his eyes.
Goth Choad
Wears all black, all the time, and has disdain for all things mainstream. Loves crosses, skulls, industrial electronic music, and Anton LaVey. Is big brother version of Emo choad, but with far more edge.
Hip Hop Choad
Has everything from Tupac Shakur to Kanye West on his MP3 player. Has brand new athletic shoes on at all times. Is often seen handing out fliers promoting shows he’s handling…
Jock Choad
Believes his ability with a ball makes him a demigod. Was celebrated in high school for lettering in sports and never let the memory go, though he may or may not have played a game since. Prowess for sports is usually matched by a prowess for drinking.
Loser Choad
Closely related to the desperate choad, but lacks the sense of urgency when attempting to interact with people. Is socially inept, says inappropriate things, but has no idea that he’s disliked by others. Is completely obtuse to how negatively people respond to him. These delusions of grandeur will guarantee he grows into an old choad.
Metal Choad
Is defined by his affection for heavy metal music and severely impaired hearing. Wears rock band t-shirts with heavily distressed jeans, drinks only domestic beer and cheap whiskey, and sports the David Lee Roth circa 1983 haircut.
Musician Choad *
May or may not play an actual instrument, but has huge presence in the music industry. Usually seen dating supermodels, actresses, and other musicians, and attempting to develop their own clothing line. Examples: Justin Timberlake, Kid Rock, Sean Combs.
Old Choad
Any choad who has aged well past his prime. Was once a centerpiece of the trendy social scene, and refuses to acknowledge that the 22-year-old girls he’s hitting on could now be his daughters.
Punk Choad
Often seen with Liberty Spikes or a 12″ Mohawk. Potentially uses more hair product than any other Choad. Feigns political ideals but is actually completely ignorant. Thinks he is the ultimate rebel, but really just wants an excuse to be an ass. The choadiest tend to be Straight-Edge.
Player Choad
Seduces women regularly and sees himself as an expert on the subject. May see himself as a great romantic, or just the ultimate smooth operator. Compares himself to great historical or fictional lovers like Romeo Montague, Giacomo Casanova, and Don Juan, but considers himself superior.
Red Neck Choad
Drives large pick up truck with bumper stickers of the confederate flag. Sports a mullet. Thinks Stevie Ray Vaughn and Johnny Cash are gods, and though he likely never went to college, there is one university football team whose games he will never miss and to whom he is fiercely loyal.
Religious Choad *
A social entrepreneur notorious for being a self proclaimed authority on morality. Though sometimes affiliated with a religious organization, they may merely align themselves loosely with the GOP. Examples: Newt Gingrich, Donald Wildmon, Jerry Falwell.
Sports Choad *
When not getting tested for steroids or stumbling through an interview in which they thank God 20 times for their ability, they play for or are affiliated with a professional sport, and model for the front of the Wheaties box. Examples: Alex Rodriguez, Tony Parker, Michael Vick.
Techno Choad
Considers himself a savant of electronic music, and has a different shiny shirt for every night of the week. Uses pick up lines like “Damn, this DJ is amazing. He’s SO truth!” Drinks vodka/redbulls to keep his energy going so he can dance until 7am.
White Collar Choad
Has extremely strong sense of self-entitlement that corresponds with his income. Usually employed in finance, wears power suits, and drives a car that compensates for his impotence.
* Famous or Fictional Choad
